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Necessity is the mother of invention. The father is unknown.
The following are all real patents issued by the US Patent and Trademark Office.
Voice Communication Concerning a Local EntityThis has to be one of the strangest patent illustrations I've ever seen. Is this the future of telephone help lines? "I am a plant. How can I help you?"
The patent explains:
The voice services thus acts as a voice dialog proxy for the plant and gives the impression to the person... that they are conversing with the plant.
And what a stimulating conversation that will be! "How are the seedlings doing? Your leaves are looking lovely—photosynthesis sure has been kind!"
If you've ever wanted "voice interaction with a local dumb device" might I suggest going to your local pub?filed under For the Garden, Computers
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posted on 10/16/2008, patent issued on 9/26/2006 |  |
  | Office Gym Exercise KitThe cubicle has become more than just a semi-private workspace. In today's workaholic culture it also doubles as a dining room, art gallery and YouTube mini-theater. So why not use it as a gym?
This kit provides a full range of arm, leg and back exercises. All you need is a chair, a desire to get fit and a willingness to look stupid. filed under Exercise, Cubicles
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posted on 10/6/2008, patent issued on 11/21/2006 |
 | Religious Lamp with Fluid FlowJesus said in the book of John, "I am the light of the world." Now have him light up your living room!
But of course, a light up Jesus would seem too simple to be patentable. But what if we add a little animatronics? According to the patent, "Jesus' head rises with light actuation." That's right, wake him up right at his most painful moment.
But the spiritual uplift doesn't end there. The inventor threw in some dripping blood pumps for that I-can't-believe-how-much-this-guy-suffered-for-me effect.
Mel Gibson, why hast thou not pursued the merchandising tie-in? filed under Made Fun
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posted on 6/5/2007, patent issued on 10/10/2006 |
Method of Using a Water PipeI had heard of snorting coke off of a strippers tits, but taking a bong hit out of her vagina?
This "water pipe providing sexual stimulation" seems to be just too depraved to be true. In instances such as this, I find it best to let the patent do the talking:
"The lower end cooperates with the wall of the vagina to form a water reservoir holding water in the lower end and the vagina. A stem is received into the inlet port with an end opening submerged in the water reservoir. Suction applied at the exit port draws air through the stem to bubble through the water reservoir to generate stimulatory vibrations transmitted to the vagina. Optionally, a bowl holding combustible material communicates with the stem such that smoke bubbles through the water reservoir to simultaneously filter and cool the smoke and generate stimulatory vibrations."
I don't doubt that the experience is pleasurable, but pleasurable enough for a woman to allow bong water in her vagina? Perhaps the only thing not surprising about this patent is that it was invented in Vegas. Hopefully, it will stay there. filed under Drugs, Dildos and Vibrators
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posted on 2/12/2007, patent issued on 10/17/2006 |  |
 | Sanitary Security Sock SystemWe all know the drill: Take off you shoes, put them on the conveyer belt to be X-Rayed and walk through the metal detector. All because of that one stupid m*th#rf!ck%r!
Deep breath. Okay. So what's wrong with this system? The inventor points out:
"With the increase in airport security measures, many recent inventions have focused on improving the accuracy and efficiency of current airport security systems. However, none of these inventions have focused on the health concerns that have surfaced as a result of the implementation of the new security standards."
That's right people, Al Qaeda may not have hijacked any planes since 9/11, but there's a new terrorist threatening our airports—foot fungus. Have seen those advertisments where the little fungus rips up a toenail and walks inside? It sounds messed up, but on a visceral level, I find that image almost as disturbing as the footage of the twin towers.
Diane Ghioto's "one size fits all" sock system picks up where the department of Homeland Security left off—protecting the nation from the ground up.
filed under Homeland Security, Shoes
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posted on 2/5/2007, patent issued on 3/14/2006 |
Weed Cutting Golf ClubThis sly club comes in handy when you've landed in the rough. No need to bogey the hole just because your surrounded by two foot high grass—hack your way to a clear shot!
But inventors John Buell and Troy Nowell see their gas-powered weed whacking wood as more than the latest must-have golf accessory: It's humble small contribution towards world peace. It is "a weed cutting golf club for relief of stress" that can "lighten the mood and decrease stress levels in order to provide a more relaxing and enjoyable atmosphere." Rev up and chill out. filed under Golf
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posted on 1/29/2007, patent issued on 1/24/2006 |  |
 | Retractable Table Top for a ToiletSome of the best ideas come when you're sitting on the john. It's as if opening one end to eliminate the physical, we make more room on the other side for the metaphysical. One might conclude then that the more time you sit on the toilet, the more inspiration you will receive.
Rafik Shaumyan has at last conquered the "shortcomings" of standard facilities with his table top: "A device for providing a working surface while a user is seated on a toilet."
Shaumyan has thoroughly analyzed society's plebian use of the crapper and restored its royal dignity. As he puts it:
"The toilet seat can more rightly be called "the throne" if certain conditions are met above and beyond the simple support and flush provisions. A supply of toilet paper needs to be furnished and at a convenient location or locations, not a marginally accessible location. A supply of reading material from which a selection can be made is usually welcome, and for some an ashtray, cigarettes and matches are needed. Some may prefer to prepare notes such as shopping lists, and these will need pencil and notepaper and backing for the note paper. "
All the convenience fit for a king. filed under Toilet
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posted on 1/23/2007, patent issued on 1/10/2006 |
 | Penile Volumetric Measuring DevicePenis size: For too long (puns are inevitable when discussing the subject), it has escaped the rigorous analysis of modern science and has been left prone to self-serving exaggeration. Thankfully, one fearless inventor has arrived to clear the field of biased pseudoscience:
"Throughout history, there has been discussion and focus on the human male sex organ. Generally, having a large penis is seen as more masculine and manly than having a small penis. Well-endowed male pornography stars are looked at by many with admiration and envy due to the size of their penis."
"there is a remarkable lack of convenient and accurate methods for measuring the penis. Most men merely take a ruler and measure the size of their penis in inches. However, to adequately describe the size of a penis the length alone is not enough. Nor is it enough to know the diameter at an arbitrary point. The penis is not shaped like a true cylinder, but rather it has a more complicated shape. Therefore, a method for measuring the size of a penis needs to account for the unusual shape and size of the human penis."
In the short 22 centuries since Archimedes first shouted Eureka from his bathtub, inventor Jason Turner has applied the same techniques of fluid displacement to accurately measure the one-eyed trouser snake.
Of course, scientific breakthroughs can often be met with fierce resistance: Knowledge is power, but the truth, if small enough, can hurt.
filed under Impotence
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posted on 12/15/2006, patent issued on 12/12/2006 |
Cucumber SandwichReaders keep asking, "Daniel, when are going to comment on the recent McDonald's sandwich patent application?" (1, 2) Well, I hate to say it folks, maybe never. I only tip my hat to true innovations—those deemed patentable by the supreme beings at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (the McDonald's applications haven't been approved yet). They know who's been naughty, who's been nice and who deserves a fourteen year limited monopoly.
Like this beauty, the Cucumber Sandwich!
Unlike McDonald's who needed a committee of three to come up with their painfully-smothered-in-a-special-sauce-of-legalese "Method and Apparatus for Making a Sandwich," the Cucumber Sandwich needed just one man, a knife, and a cucumber.
I prefer to celebrate the little guy. McDonald's knows that even bad press is good press. All the attention they've received for their "meat and/or cheese filling" in a "bread cavity" has given them yet another reason to roll around in their pit of plastic balls filled with money at the McExecutive PlayPlace.
I prefer to feature Alexander Stenzel of Pacific Palisades, CA, whose only English-language Google result appears to be in relation to this elegantly crafted raw food masterpiece. I salute Alexander and his unprecented use of a cucumber: It's simple, it's elegant, and it's fashion model-friendly. Mr. Stenzel, you deserve a break today. filed under Eats
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posted on 12/7/2006, patent issued on 8/29/2006 |  |
 | No-Crap Craps: Crapless Craps Done RightWheel out the guillotine, 'cause this game's getting decrapitated. Merdé she wrote!
Finally, someone's done it right! Let me tell you, crapless craps done wrong, is, well, just plain crappy.
I'm not much of a gambling man, but something tells me if you take the crap out of craps, you don't have much left (thanks, high-fiber diet).
Besides having the crappiest name for a patent I've ever seen, I've come to learn that this is the latest in a series of attempts to cut the crap from the popular dice game. "Craps" refers to a losing result (a 2, 3, or 12) on your very first roll of the dice, known as the "come out". As we all know, there's nothing worse than for craps to come out when you're trying to impress your date at the high roller's table.
There have been several attempts to remove this downer moment from the game, all with trademarked names; Crapless Craps, Never Ever Craps, and now, No-Crap Craps. How many ways can you scrap the crap? Now excuse me while I go wash my hands. filed under Gambling
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posted on 11/28/2006, patent issued on 11/14/2006 |
Delivery of Caffeine Through an Inhalation RouteThere's nothing quite like the smell of coffee in the morning, but let's face it – we don't drink it for the flavor, we drink it for the caffeine. So why wait for coffee to brew when we can just snort the caffeine directly into our addicted little nostrils? I want to be caffeinated, and I want to be caffeinated NOW!
If you've ever worked in an office building, you've probably noticed how corporations are more that happy to provide their employees with free coffee, tea, cola beverages, etc. – anything with a healthy dose of stimulating jitter juice. This invention puts caffeine into an aerosol. So, productivity manager, why waste valuable office space on a kitchen, when you can just pipe the stuff directly into the climate control system? filed under Drugs
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posted on 9/27/2006, patent issued on 7/18/2006 |
 | Method and Apparatus of Karaoke Storage on a Wireless Communications DeviceDispatch from the Near Future:
Perhaps it was inevitable. No one could blame us for not seeing it coming, or rather, not hearing it. Nothing like this had ever happened before. One moment we were smiling and singing, the next we were holding our ears to keep in the blood. Sure we all loved the sound of our own voices, but everyone else's... and at the same time? It was too much.
And to think of how scared we were of global warming. No one but cranky old buggers took noise pollution seriously.
And outside the sun still shines and the ice caps are still solid and blue. But those of us who can still hear hide deep down – beneath the bedrock – the one place where the phones don't get reception. The one place where the karaoke does not melt the brain like microwaves through a bowl of instant oatmeal. And here we will remain until the batteries run out or there is no one left to dial. filed under Cell Phones, Entertainment
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posted on 9/18/2006, patent issued on 7/18/2006 |
Device for the Treatment of HiccupsIs there any cure for hiccups that is not patently silly? Some people breathe into paper bags, others like a good scare, and the more acrobatically inclined like to drink a glass of while standing on their heads. But the cures get even more extreme as the condition lingers. According to the inventor:
"Hiccups lasting up to 48 hours are classified as 'bouts'. Hiccups lasting longer than 48 hours are called 'persistent.' Those lasting longer than a month are called 'intractable.' "
Hiccups lasting longer than a month! I would call that a living nightmare! At this point sufferers may resort to more extreme measures such as "inducing vomiting, or applying traction on the tongue or pressure on the eyeballs." As always, if all else fails, try poking yourself about the face and see what happens.
Faced with the above options, you can see the incentive to invent something new. This device (which peculiarly looks like a hands-free version of one of those "cup and string" phones) is a metallic cup with one electrode making contact with your cheek and another electrode making contact with the temple. When the cup is full of water and you begin to drink, an electrical circuit is created, thus stimulating the vagus and phrenic nerves and "reliably interrupting the Hiccup Reflexive Arc."
Ions to the rescue!
Check out the official website at Hic-Cups.com
(Thanks, KB)! filed under Medicine
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posted on 8/24/2006, patent issued on 6/13/2006 |  |
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